25 years of Shrek 💚

Nothing has me smiling from ear to ear for 90 minutes like Shrek. Not only is the soundtrack incredible, so incredible that it's on my non-existent wedding's playlist, but the mesh of characters, life lessons and humour make it nothing short of a ✨masterpiece✨

There are numerous archetypes in this movie - we have the anxious, the avoidant and the narcissist at the very least. It's a moving story of self love, courage, limited beliefs, miscommunication, how ego can ruin a good thing, choosing deep connections over shallow, safe or comfortable choices.. and the list goes on. It's one of my comfort movies <3

Here's a list of 25 quotes/life lessons for 25 years of Shrek:

Self loathing and self sabotage - the avoidant:

• Shrek: Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison; but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower. For her true love and true love's first kiss... huh like that's ever gonna happen. What a loada *toilet flushes*
• Shrek: They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone.
• Shrek: This is the part where you run away.
• Donkey: You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're scared of your own feelings!
• Donkey: Wake up and smell the pheromones!
• Donkey: There you are, doing it again, just like you did to Fiona. All she ever did was like you, maybe even love you!
• Shrek: You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear.

The incessant need for connection - the anxious:

• Shrek: Well, it’s no wonder you don’t have any friends.
• Donkey: We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles.
• Donkey: You don’t know what it’s like to be considered a freak.. well, maybe you do, but that’s why we gotta stick together.
• Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask.

Shrek is extremely cynical. The treatment he's endured due to his appearance has caused him to retreat, where he's convinced himself he's better off alone. Pushing people away, settling for less and isolating seems to be the easier option. His friendship with donkey forces him to face his insecurities, his fear of vulnerability and the struggle between his head and heart. Although Donkey's need to feel loved, needed and seen are similar to Shrek's at his core, they've both responded to neglect differently - resulting in Shrek leaning avoidant and Donkey leaning anxious.

Both anxious and avoidantly attached people are insecure at their core, but on opposite ends of the spectrum. Ironically, they attract the other. Avoidants feel emotionally safe through distance and control [of their feelings] and anxiously attached folk need consistent reassurance to feel loved. This anxious-avoidant [push-pull/runner-chaser] dynamic can potentially become abusive if left unchecked, verbal or otherwise.

Avoidantly attached people often run from the things they want most, not because they don't care, but because they care more than they're comfortable admitting. Beneath the surface is often a fear of emotional depth, rejection [someone will eventually see the real them and leave] or a perceived inadequacy rooted in abandonment wounds. Rather than risk that pain, they sabotage the connection before it has a chance to grow, convincing themselves it's best this way. In doing so, they're protecting themselves from the belief that the more they care, the more they'll hurt. This leads them towards relationships or opportunities that feel easier, convenient and emotionally undemanding over what requires growth. Many substitute grand gestures for genuine emotional intimacy because it's easier to perform affection than to be truly seen. And.. they hop from one distraction to another, repeating this cycle until they're sick of themselves, because at its core they're avoiding the inner work needed to sustain the very connection they desire. There's a flair of passivity to this pattern - they let life happen to them, they're chosen instead of choosing. The sad reality is that people who settle in love usually settle in life as both are rooted in low self worth.

If we don't stick to something we care about, we'll be stuck with something we don't.. either way life demands commitment

Anxiously attached people on the other hand overextend themselves, crossing their own boundaries in the pursuit of connection - sometimes to the point of self abandonment. Overthinking every interaction to the point of paralysis [digital communication makes this 10x worse] and the constant need for reassurance usually stems from a deeper fear of not being chosen. What starts as a desire to be seen can quietly turn into choosing others from a place of loneliness rather than genuine compatibility, turning connections into a form of emotional escapism and focusing on potential. It can become almost performative, where our main concern becomes needing someone to choose us, regardless of whether we like them. Who we choose reflects where we're abandoning ourselves creating an irony in trying to convince others of our worth while struggling to uphold it internally. We can easily see the overlap with both attachment styles, showcasing the same underlying struggle of self worth, just expressed differently.

There's a huge slew of hatred for avoidants online, but anxiously attached people are just as broken and bring their own wounds. One isn't worse than the other, they can learn valuable lessons from each other. Most avoidants aren't trying to hurt anyone, they're operating from a place of self preservation based on wounds and possibly depression. The issue occurs when conscious manipulation, gaslighting and abuse are added to the mix - narcissists have underlying avoidant tendencies.

Fionas insecurities:

• Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love… not an ogre and his pet!
• Fiona: But Donkey, I'm a princess! And this is not how a princess is supposed to look.
• Fiona: I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

Princess Fiona is an interestingly complex character. Although she's stubborn, she's also confident, raw, unfiltered and knows what she wants. Her deep insecurities around her appearance are understandable and her need to be chosen ties to her need to break the spell. She'll gladly settle for Farquad aslong as it means this part of her is 'fixed'. Her stubbornness also contributed to this, but I'll give her a pass because men should pursue, her parents were nowhere to be seen and she tried to communicate, but the misunderstandings caused friction and distance.

For decades, industries have profited from our insecurities, commodifying self love while simultaneously teaching us that beauty is pain and that our worth is something to be earned. Women are often conditioned to settle, play caretaker, tolerate weaponised incompetence and endure mistreatment despite their better judgment. We're taught to suppress our needs, desires and boundaries in pursuit of love, effectively grooming ourselves to bend over backwards at the expense of our health, happiness and self respect. Factors like our age, beauty and 'biological clock' pressure many women into settling for relationships that don't truly fulfil them. Our current climate has given women the ability to want not need and as a result, men who are unable to step up are being left by the wayside, causing a surge in toxic masculinity. When research suggests that marriage can add at least seven extra hours of housework per week for women, it's not difficult to understand why many now seek committed relationships beyond financial security, patriarchal norms or of a transactional nature.

Farquard, the narc:

• Farquad: Some of you may die but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
• Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something hehe
• Farquad: Ugh, what's that, it's hideous?! Shrek: Well that's not very nice, he's just a donkey.
• Farquad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you.
• Donkey: Huh, celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

As hilarious as his character is [because he's pathetic], Farquard is the ultimate narcissist. His huge ego is fuelled by his lack of power, height and validation. It's shown through his need to control to the point of ensuring crowds respond correctly to his carefully curated cues. He's cruel, erratic, selfish, manipulative, condescending, lacks any ounce of empathy and.. essentially a brat - and the accent only intensifies this.

Narcissists crave power, control and validation. They often struggle to form genuine connections and view love as a weakness, reducing relationships to transactions that serve their ego - as seen in the case of Farquad who takes but rarely gives. By isolating partners and fostering dependency, they create conditions that exploit someone's inability to leave; creating a bedrock for abuse. If they can't control someone directly, they'll often try to control the narrative about them. Despite thinking they have the upper hand, they create a cage of their own making by stripping themselves of love - ultimately trapped in a constant battle with themselves. Not all narcissists exhibit these traits outwardly though. Some are charming, charismatic and socially adored. They've mastered appearances and manipulation because their image is their lifeline. They're nice, not kind. The person seen as virtuous, respected or deeply religious in public can very well be abusive behind closed doors. At their core, they're often bullies seeking power where they can find it, using control over others to compensate for feelings of inadequacy elsewhere.

Confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud 📣 📣 📣

Healing through connection:

• Donkey: Alright nobody move, I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge!
• Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
• Donkey: Because that’s what friends do, they forgive each other!
• Shrek: After a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are.
• Shrek: But you are beautiful.

Choosing to walk away and remaining alone would have been the easier option for Shrek, whilst Fiona's would have been marrying Farquad. With the help of his noble steed, he worked past these insecurities and understood that his worth was no longer attached to how he was perceived, his lifestyle or other shallow factors. He began to understand the importance of giving himself the unconditional love he extended to Fiona. If we don't have the capacity to love ourselves with all of our shortcomings, how will we know how to pour into others? Shrek saw his own lack, did the internal work and went after what he wanted, with his chest, because the minor discomfort of embarrassing himself didn't outweigh his desire for deep connection and his ✨dream girl✨ As a result, he was able to help Fiona see the beauty in her form despite her deep set insecurities. Admiration and respect naturally instil a strong sense of loyalty and devotion that surpasses anything short term or shallow, resulting in a healthy dynamic which creates a baseline for growth. Superficiality and mistreatment are removed from the equation by default. Farquard could never.

We also see this through other characters like Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. Although he began as a pompous snob with social anxiety, through interactions with Elizabeth, he recognised his own conceit and arrogance, took accountability, used his privilege to rectify his mistakes and softened so he could be worthy of someone he truly loved. As a result, Elizabeth overcame her prejudice, leading to emotional maturity and humility within both characters. Neither Elizabeth nor Fiona went into saviour mode - Darcy and Shrek fixed themselves on their own accord in order to offer a worthy seat for someone they loved.

One of the underlying characteristics that helps overcome our insecurities is being gentle with ourselves and others. I think we need to soften up.. as a species:

• Build deep emotional bonds with others

Many men lean avoidant because, as boys, they're often taught not how to be men but how not to be women, reinforcing the idea that emotions and consideration are weaknesses - hence insults like simp. This aspect of patriarchy has contributed to emotionally repressed, nonchalant men, fuelling the male loneliness epidemic and making it difficult to form relationships that aren't transactional - they don't even like women. Many tie their self worth to their careers and financial status, questioning whether they have anything 'worthy' to offer the person they truly want [any woman worth having would want to build with her man]. Their fear of rejection, vulnerability and ending up alone can lead them to settle in relationships that feel convenient rather than fulfilling - someone who wants them aslong as their needs are being met sexually and domestically. Many would rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. The difficulty in expressing themselves limits their ability to build deep connections, and when comparing people with avoidant tendencies to those without them, one of the clearest differences is the depth of their relationships. What heals avoidance are deep, emotionally available connections.

Meaningful relationships cannot exist without emotional availability, yet in a culture where one of the few socially acceptable forms of physical touch between men is through something like BJJ, openly expressing a need for closeness can still feel taboo. As life becomes increasingly isolated and online, this creates another barrier to connection. Physical touch, vulnerability and emotional support are human needs, not weaknesses. Hug your bros, tell them you love them and show up when they're struggling. We should be able to hold one another without shame or immediate regret. That's secure, healthy masculinity. These friendships often become the blueprint for healthy romantic relationships because they teach consideration, trust and how to care for someone unconditionally. Women often find this easier because softness and emotional openness are generally accepted within female friendships, making emotional availability easier to carry into romantic relationships.

On the other side of the spectrum, people with anxious attachments often need to learn how to pursue connection without slipping into codependency. Not losing ourselves within relationships by having a life of our own outside of the connection is key. Overthinking can become a form of waswasa, trapping us in cycles of doubt and making us scan for rejection even when it isn't there. How others treat us is a reflection of them, but how we treat others is a reflection of us. Understanding this helps reduce the rumination and placing the blame on ourselves for the actions of others. A healthy approach is to assume people want to stay unless they've given us a reason to believe otherwise. Face-to-face communication also provides a level of clarity that digital communication simply can't, especially for those of us who are notoriously dry texters [guilty]. At the very least, important conversations deserve the clarity of being had in person.

Ultimately, relationships of all kinds help us grow in ways we don't realise we need. They expose our patterns, challenge our assumptions and force us to reflect on how we think, react and show up for ourselves and others. Isolation rarely heals - it creates resentment, friction, emotional stagnation, in turn blocking growth, delaying pain and causing long term health issues. Other characters on screen repeatedly show us that we soften through connection, not solitude. Damon [TVD] was profoundly shaped by his relationships with Liz, Bonnie, Elena, and Stefan, while characters like Daryl, Negan [TWD] and Sawyer [Lost] were softened by the communities around them. They began cold, erratic and somewhat hyper independent, but through care, accountability and genuine connection, they became better versions of themselves. One thing I love more than gentle men is seeing growth in them.

• Write

Writing is a release of some sort and helps us name our feelings and compartmentalise our thoughts. No matter how alien it feels, just write. No one has to read it, burn it once done. To be cringe is to be free.

An excellent example of how this helps: www.instagram.com/jonas.luskey

• Get a cat - or get close to one

I was a bit.. rough around the edges in my teens and early 20s and looking back I've softened up because of my babies 🐾

People who are gentle with animals are usually gentle with others [animal cruelty is usually the first indication of psychotic behaviour]. I guess Donkey was a pet of some kind..

Relationships

First things first, our queen farah said it best:

you are not craving a person, you are craving a feeling.

name the feeling, build the feeling within yourself, then see who shows up.

Despite our deep wounds and insecurities, our root needs are the same - we all want some form of genuine companionship. The ability to share a part of our lives, while feeling safe in someone's presence is not only comforting, but can also be a catalyst for growth. But what we shouldn't do is wait for it, think it'll fix us or treat it as a be all end all. It's the difference between needing a relationship vs wanting one as an addition to an already fulfilling life. Our rizq is written, we don't need to chase or act from a place of desperation. We need to do the internal work that builds the capacity to attract and maintain what God has in store for us. The work we've done on ourselves while single becomes the standard we carry forward into marriage - we shouldn't need to be told what to do, we should already be living it. When we're strong in deen, we're drawn to those on a similar path because we're naturally pulled to those who share the same foundational values as us. Our relationships are a means to God and one of the determining factors of success - our make or break, shaping the trajectory of our life for better or worse.

How we show up for others is one of the clearest indicators of how we feel about them. Feelings alone aren't enough, they have to be reflected in our actions. Introspection determines how we'll respond when wounds crop up - avoiding hurting others as a result of our action or inaction. Conflict is inevitable, but repair is what builds intimacy and is the real determiner of the success of a relationship. Through introspection, healthy communication, the ability to stay instead of run, to address issues before resentment takes root and to recognise bids for connection even in discomfort, we're able to build emotional safety rooted in trust, consistency and mutual respect. Feeling safe enough to reveal our fears and insecurities, knowing they'll be met with care rather than criticism, allows intimacy to deepen and relationships to soften all involved. The right person won't just love us, but expand our capacity to love ourselves - our growth, our passions and our potential.

If the purpose of a relationship is for people to be healed and healing can only occur when our wounds are revealed, the ego confronts us with a terrible catch-22. If I don't show myself, there can be no growth. Without growth, there will ultimately be boredom, which is death for the relationship. But if I do reveal myself honestly, then I might appear unattractive and my partner will leave. The ego's narcissism has us waiting for the perfect person to appear. The holy spirit knows that the search for perfection in another is just a smokescreen that hides our need to develop the perfect within ourselves. And if there is a perfect person out there, which there isn't, would they date you?

Return to Love - Marianne Williamson

Real love isn't built on perfection but on the willingness to see someone fully, with all their vice, and stay. It asks us to be soft, accountable and consistent. It scares people because it requires ego death, where being right becomes less important than being loving. Someone who truly loves us will make a genuine effort to change their behaviour the moment they recognise it hurts us, they won't need to be repeatedly asked to care. When we feel safe enough to love deeply, we begin to soften, apologise, adjust and move with consideration rather than obligation. Growth in love isn't about being rescued, it's about becoming someone capable of holding love responsibly without control. They're careful, almost scared they'll ruin it. They walk with soft hands and an even softer tone, without stripping them of who they are. Love makes people gentle. Men will move heaven and earth for that one girl. They completely soften in her presence with an instinctual need to provide written all over their face - without it feeling like a chore or a burden. The eyes chico - a real give away. They couldn't hide it if they tried.

Many of us have been conditioned to believe that love must be earned, endured, or worse yet, that love is pain. Healthy love nurtures, heals and builds both people through a steady, respectful and secure connection, not one built on infatuation, obsession and chaos. We need not confuse intensity with instability. There's a level of difficulty relationships shouldn't cross, where love becomes self erasure and survival replaces connection. We can be loving, supportive and even a source of inspiration, but we cannot heal, fix, or force growth into someone else. That burden was never ours to carry.

We can resent our spouse and convince ourselves we deserve better, but relationships often reveal more about us than we'd like to admit. Until we choose differently, there is usually something within the dynamic that we're still participating in, tolerating or learning from. Our partners can act as mirrors, reflecting our wounds, patterns and level of self worth. In many abusive relationships, the dynamic is sustained by two deeply wounded people: a bully and another who stays despite opportunities to leave, often due to fear, conditioning or low self worth - unhealthy dynamics rarely exist in a vacuum. Of course there are exceptions where God wants to elevate us through hardship, but it's usually coupled with the inability to change our circumstances, such as Aasiya and Firawn. We teach people how to love us through what we tolerate, and what we repeatedly accept becomes the blueprint for how we are treated.

We accept the love we think we deserve

When we shrink our needs, walk on eggshells, or mistake chaos for passion, we risk building a life that reflects our wounds rather than our growth, resulting in less of a marriage and more of a war zone. A man's inconsideration and a woman's lack of grace are often signs that they've emotionally checked out of the relationship. Silence builds resentment when communication is met with deflection, creating loneliness within the relationship and marking the beginning of a downward spiral - its own form of self abandonment. Sometimes we need conflict for growth, but sometimes growth means recognising when a friendship, career, or relationship no longer aligns with who we're becoming and having the courage to walk away. Some people enter our lives to teach us what love isn't, revealing what we've tolerated and where we've abandoned ourselves - to be our lesson, our mirror and our turning point.

The obsession with being chosen regardless of compatibility or reciprocity is a trauma response. When we know who we are, we can easily let go of what doesn't want to stay

We're not asking for too much, we're just asking the wrong person. The right people rarely make us feel as though basic consideration, consistency and care are unreasonable requests. When we no longer feel emotionally safe, or we've outgrown something we once thought we wanted, we're met at a crossroads: is this hard because it's right for us, or hard because it isn't? This uncertainty can keep us staying far longer than logic tells us to, even through abuse. The sunk cost fallacy urges us to keep investing, but sometimes the lesson is learning to choose ourselves regardless of how much time, money, energy or love we've already given. Remove the fear of being alone, the fear of change, the fear of what others might think and the fear of hurting someone we care about, and what's left often points us toward what we truly want. We're not starting from zero when we walk away, we're leaving with experience, clarity and often a newfound sense of self - probably even relief. Patience does not equate to self abandonment. The more we force what isn't meant to stay, the more resistance we create. That's the difference between love and attachment - attachment revolves around control, whereas love loosens the grip and let's things flow.

As we grow, introspection causes us to shed a few layers and what is no longer sustainable or aligned naturally falls away because we no longer have the capacity to remain in cycles that ask less of us. Having high standards and self respect means choosing better for ourselves, our sanity and our health in the form of both people and habits. Sometimes we block our own rizq by staying in situations God is asking us to level up from. We're not looking for a project to fix, we're looking for an equal - someone who takes responsibility for themselves and has the capacity to care for us as deeply as we care for them. In the end, our self respect must always be greater than our desire to be loved.

Both Shrek and Fiona thought they were unlovable, pushing each other away as a result. But if we can love someone without them lifting a finger, why is someone loving us to the same degree not possible? What people fail to realise is that what we admire in others is usually us seeing our own potential in them. Heal so you can experience love without self sabotage.

And finally, my lifeline quote:

• Shrek: Better out than in, I always say.

I won't be getting a stomach ache for anyone.

Growth beyond limited beliefs

Many of us subconsciously make life choices based on our internal struggles, in turn blocking ourselves from reaching our full potential. The laws of detachment, attachment and quantum entanglement can all be understood from the lens of deen and living them can benefit us tremendously in how we move through life with limited beliefs.

• Law of detachment - Tawakkul / Zuhd

Trusting that God has our best interests at heart, removing the anxiety associated to losing an attachment and releasing ourselves of the worries of the 'how' and 'when' nourishes contentment and reliance on God. Istikhara is a perfect example of this. It forces us to surrender our control and fully trust how things are being unfolded by Him.

We forget that God is limitless, he can do more for us than we ask. Self sabotaging by thinking we don't have the ability to change or follow through is having a bad opinion of God and a reflection of our lack of conviction in His ability - He is the one facilitating the ease for change, not ourselves. Tawakkul requires patience that people find difficult when instant gratification is the norm. Similarly, Backwards Law asks us to accept the uncomfortable experiences and feelings, shifting our focus away from the outcome. The more desperate we are to feel happy, the more we highlight our unhappiness resulting in anxiety.

Everything that's destined for us will stay, no matter how tight our grip is or how much we push it away, so the concept of zuhd could easily be moot.

• Law of attraction - Dua / I am as My servant expects of me

The idea that 'like attracts like' begins with how we see and speak to ourselves. Our thoughts, language and identities shape our behaviour far more than temporary motivation ever will. There's a difference between saying 'I'm trying to run' and 'I am a runner', just as there's a difference between enforcing rules on ourselves and embodying a standard. Studies have shown that assigning an identity to our actions is one the largest indicators of habitual success. Our mindset influences how we interpret the world, what opportunities we notice and how we respond to setbacks. When we choose gratitude and trust in God's plan, we walk through life with a flair of optimism despite setbacks. It isn't about denying hardship, but recognising that even difficulties can be working in our favour. Contentment becomes less about circumstances and more about perspective.

When we expect nothing, we receive everything

Our external actions also shape our internal state. A smile can improve our mood before we genuinely feel happy, just as our posture, expressions and behaviour influence how we experience ourselves and others [think placebo effect, method acting/performative resting bitch face with dead eyes and how botox negatively affects how we process empathy]. Maybe this is one reason smiling is considered charity in Islam, it not only uplifts us, but naturally encourages others to mirror that energy. The same principle applies to worship. We may not feel the effects of dhikr immediately, but consistent action often precedes internal transformation - the remembrance of the tongue eventually becomes the remembrance of the heart. What we repeatedly do, think and embody slowly reshapes who we are by building new neural pathways in our brain.

A tree falls the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean

Life expands in proportion to our courage. Every time we avoid discomfort, we reinforce fear and every time we move towards what challenges us, we strengthen our belief in our capabilities. Faith, like confidence, grows through action. The more we align our thoughts, words and behaviour with what we seek, the more naturally we become the kind of person capable of receiving and sustaining it. Dua operates from a similar place. It's an act of worship because we're sitting with the the names of God materialised in our mind, understanding that anything is possible through Him. We ask, visualise, trust and then match our emotional state to already having it by putting in the work. The desire to make dua is a gift from God and a sign that He's inviting us to turn towards Him. He always comes first.

• Quantum entanglement - Qadr

This idea points to an invisible connection between us and the energetic signature of what we desire - moments of alignment that feel inevitable or people who feel familiar after a single conversation. It reminds me that time isn’t linear and the urge to make dua could be tied to a reality our future selves are already living. The concept of soulmates in Islam refers to the life of the souls. Those we were close to in that realm are the people we feel drawn to here - family we choose across different stages of life. Soulmates can also be karmic in nature, mirroring our flaws when we’re stagnant, either forcing repetition of cycles or elevation depending on our responses.

Souls are like conscripted soldiers. Those whom they recognise, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognise, they will not get along with

Other connections feel almost instinctive, deeper - people who feel so familiar from a single glance without needing words. A pull that feels both spiritual and immediate. Whether described as the red string theory, qadr, soul ties or twin flames, these experiences often feel metaphysical when they unfold. There's an otherworldly connection with this counterpart throughout the motions of life, with soul ties physically feeling the intense feelings of the other no matter the distance, similar to twin telepathy - a spiritual tug of some sort. These connections align more with who we are becoming than who we were and are our catalyst for exponential spiritual growth.

Two particles becoming inextricably linked. Measuring the state of one instantly determines the state of the other, regardless of the distance separating them

In the context of marriage, I believe these deeper connections are reserved for the version of us that's actively trying to be better, not when we're passive or riddled with insecurities, in turn hurting ourselves and others. Our actions will no longer be rooted in wounds, but in growth. We've learnt the heavy lessons through stagnation and now we're leaning into ascension. In the meantime we get karmic lessons until we know how to hold love without dropping it, show up correctly or know when to choose ourselves and leave - essentially character development. Our relationships tend to reflect the work we’ve done on ourselves and the work we’re still avoiding - we tell on ourselves by who we choose in love and life. Whatever remains unhealed will follow us into every connection until we're so sick of ourselves that we have no choice but to face it. They're the person we could have if we chose to put in the work. Not necessarily the spouse we choose, but the one we want. Ouch.

Because of this, relationships are not static but developmental. The 'three meetings' theory reflects this progression: first as passers by and a face in the crowd, then with chemistry but the timing is misaligned and finally as full alignment. What is meant for us often requires that we first become capable of holding it, including alignment in circumstances. Any earlier and it wouldn't have worked [Love, Rosie is a wholesome example of this]. Even in dua, there's a process of becoming ready to receive what we ask for. Growth is rarely instant, it unfolds in stages of awareness, repetition and refinement. Even the idea that one’s final spouse may reflect their ultimate state suggests that growth is an upward trajectory shaped by who we choose to become. We see echoes of this idea in the notion that good companions are for good companions and bad for bad - each pointing toward moral and spiritual symmetry in relationships. This alignment suggests that those we attract reflect our inner state - emotionally and spiritually, and in the growth and stagnation of our past, present and future.

All three of these concepts intertwine and understanding them help us work through our issues removing blockers for growth. We detach > to attract > to ultimately align. When we make life decisions from a place of insecurity, depression or during periods of self deprecation, what people and opportunities do we think we'll attract? Alternatively, when we choose to be better willingly and attract from a place of internal serenity, what difference will this make to our life? How contrasting would the two results be? A somewhat chaotic life that lacks depth or growth vs a life we desire which requires risk and effort.

We already know what to do, we're just negotiating with comfort

Playing safe our whole life is rooted in the fear of failure and abandonment, showing we're not willing to do the work in order to show up for the life we desire, despite it being a little heavy at first. Be open to every opportunity that scares us, every conversation we've been avoiding and every door we've been circling for months waiting for the right time. And in the context of relationships, remove the fear of not being deserving or enough. Love prevails, not lust, temporary infatuation or strategy based on ego.

Our comfort zone is where dreams die. Denying ourselves of something we want when we can do something about it is cruel.

Recommendations:

• The Outsider, Colin Wilson
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman
• When the Body Says No, Gabor Mate
• The Lives of Man, Abdullah ibn Alawi al-Haddad
• Good Will Hunting [1997]
• Pride and Prejudice [2005]
• Love, Rosie [2014]
• Your Name [2016]