Balance in growth

I am no mom, mommy nor mamacita, but the kiddos do love me. Time spent with them has given me insight into certain behavioural patterns affecting how they move forward into adulthood.

Whenever I think of instilling habits in children [or anyone], I'm reminded of the following saying of Imam Ali. I find it a compelling take on the different stages of development and how each builds upon and affects the other:

Play with them for the first 7 years; then teach them for the next 7 years; then advise them for the next 7 years [and thereafter]

This first 7 years

Like babies on a play mat, we need to provide a stimulating environment for children to explore. But what exactly are they exploring? Us.. our habits and our morals. How they see us interact with others, our daily activities and the company we keep are examples of this. The deen we uphold privately and publicly should mould them into well rounded and balanced individuals. It starts at home. Kids do what we do before what we say.

We're naturally curious beings, even more so as children. This curiosity is what teaches children to want to learn deen without expectation or pressure - at their own pace and choice. We need to want to be muslim for no other reason than it makes sense. This conviction helps instil a sense of integrity long term. It should make sense that we’re kind and generous and not rude and bitter. Deen should be common sense - the belief in God should feel intuitive.

These years are a time to interact with others through play. Let kids be kids. At this stage there are no need for hard and fast rules aside from character building, because nothing is obligated upon them.

• Teach them stories of the Prophets from a moral perspective.
• Girls and boys need to learn compassion, consideration and selflessness to take into future relationships and interactions.
• Teach them Arabic like they learn English - as a language. 

Good character and community should be at the forefront of their mind, which they should be seeing firsthand. As adults, sometimes we forget that kindness should also be extended to them. No matter how *annoying* they can be, children just want attention and to feel loved. They're an amaanah and we will be asked about how we dealt with them. These formative years play a huge role is how our children turn out – we hear about triggers, attachment styles, childhood trauma and neglect. The sensitive nature of children should make us conscious of the implications our words and actions have on them. 'Don't cry, girls cry' is teaching boys to minimise their feelings whilst giving them a superiority complex. Not only are we as women disrespecting ourselves when we say this, but we're also teaching them to disrespect the women around them. Additionally, dismissing their own feelings creates a base for toxic masculinity which is hard to root out, where the only feelings they know how to express are anger and frustration. If we know that people who dismiss their own feelings cannot hold space for the feelings of others, how then will they have the capacity to hold meaningful relationships of any kind in the future? Misogynists have grown up seeing women disrespect themselves through internalised misogyny, whilst simultaneously seeing men treat women cruelly and they recognise the benefits they receive from this. This slowly becomes the norm for them and they repeat the cycle. The last thing we want is to encourage this. We want emotionally regulated girls and boys grounded in adab.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that character development comes before actively learning deen. Non muslims would need to have a certain level of character to even be privy to the beauty of Islam. It's foundational.

The second 7 years

These next set of years are when our children are building personalities of their own. They become more curious, more critical and are increasingly questioning things around. Let them explore.

We often separate the mundane from deen which causes blockages in seeing God in everything. Science is understanding the sunnah of God through the way the world works. The way we interact with others, our work life, learning about the stars, languages and anthropology are all a deeper appreciation of the Divine if seen via the correct lens. When their intentions remain sincere, every act becomes a spiritual conversation with Him - especially now that things will soon be obligated on them. Tajwid, aqidah and fiqh should be taught in an environment where they’re free to ask all the questions, with the underlying notion that we do these acts out of gratitude to God because He's deserving of being worshipped. Not out of fear or expecting something in return, but simply because it's asked of us.

Should I not be a grateful servant?

These are mindsets and habits which should be instilled in children, but they need to see it inculcated in the people around them. Our children are an extension of us and our environment. How we as adults present ourselves privately and publicly will influence them going forward. If we're balanced while exerting efforts, our children will be in environments where they're privy to that. They're receptive to genuinity [apparently that's not a real word, but I think it should be] and when they see us drudging ourselves to pray, fast or be kind, we're teaching them what we value.

We should be showing excitement in the everyday:

• Friday should be revered - cook nicer food together that day than the rest of the week. Jummah is a mini Eid and as women we can easily forget this.
• Fairy lights shouldn’t only be associated with Christmas, we seem to be stripping ✨whimsy✨ from our lives.
• The fardh is done together where possible, ‘salah time has come in, let’s get ready to pray’ rather than telling them and hoping they'll do it alone.

Similarly, when we as adults form new habits or make up fasts, we like to do it communally. It makes it easier.

There are only a few things we must do and a few things we must avoid. We don't want things to feel or look like a chore and for this reason it's key to differentiate between the fardh and sunnah as to not feel overwhelmed. When we present it this way, it removes the notion of heavy obligations. With sincerity at the core, we're able to stay consistent even if difficulties are posed due to it being rooted in God and not people. It builds habits in us over time that’ll stick. Sometimes the way people are raised perpetuates blindly following which is the opposite of what we want for ourselves and our children. We need to be consciously, actively and intentionally living rather than it being habitual.

A moment of contemplation may be better for you than years of praying at night

They should want to perform their obligations and then pursue extra sunnan by choice. They may be much more inclined to Qur'an, fasting, or salah - either is great. If they stick to the obligatory alone, then that's great too. If they struggle with their obligations, try to find the root cause. With us as model examples and little encouragement, they'll slowly but surely rebuild these habits. Again, it starts at home.

The next 7 years and onwards

Children need attention during their formative years, while these years ask for space. They're moving into adulthood with their own experiences, opinions and.. hormones. They need a friend. The relationship we’ve built prior and how we've raised them is a precursor to a solid relationship in the years to come. If they respect, look up to us and trust our judgement, then I'd say we're setting ourselves up for success long term - generally speaking.

I once read that our amygdala increases in size at a rapid rate during puberty - faster than we can keep up with, resulting in emotionally charged teenagers 👹

We give our children the tools to go through life, but ultimately the life decisions are for them to make. Let them wander and don't force outcomes [which applies to every relationship]. It's inevitable that they may veer off a little, but the most important thing is that they have a compassionate, forgiving and balanced environment to come back to. Our children will be exposed to every bad we can think of, either through their own volition or others. We need to teach them how to navigate life, not closet them from the world - or others. Forcing certain behaviour [even with good intentions] can have adverse effects and fuel resentment over time. People need time and experiences to understand perspectives and that may look like falling off the wagon.. a few times.

We are here as advisors, helping them along the way. A calm, balanced presence should overcome them when they think of us. They shouldn't feel like they'll be scolded or lectured, they should be met with grace where they willingly come to us in need of help. We are their confidants. And all of this will be difficult without a spouse grounded in deen.

It takes two present parents to raise good kids. Otherwise all we get is an overworked, emotionally exhausted mother carer who has nothing left to give.. with an impending chronic illness, and children repeating cycles of abuse. Unfortunately, many women feel they have an extra child in the house in the form of their husband.

With sincerity, their foundations intact and habits instilled, I like to think they'll be fine. But what happens when people have no one they look up to? Or are unable to contact them easily? What happens when they veer off, but have nothing to come back to?